I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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