i already hear my dad disowning me
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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