2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Randomize