do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
