When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
