flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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