some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She has the best kind of daddy issues
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
