I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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