Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
