dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize