You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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