Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
