So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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