i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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