Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
