I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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