Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
