dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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