I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
