shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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