I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
