I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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