Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
