I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
