well you can't waste a boner
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
