I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm like, not good at living.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
