Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
