i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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