i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
