and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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