I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
