I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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