ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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