she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
