i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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