I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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