8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
