we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
