they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
