1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
