In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
