Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
