Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
