Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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