I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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