Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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