I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
