are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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