I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm like, not good at living.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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