she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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