just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
