im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
