i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
