dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
