Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
