is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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