Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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