I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Someone stole a lamp last night.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
