At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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