I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
