1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Every concussion has its silver lining
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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