you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
