Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
