i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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