it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
