Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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