I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
